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Friday July 30,2010

Daily Update

by Linda J. Austin

All of us do not choose the role of caregiving - sometimes caregiving chooses us and, sometimes we are thrust into the role because we are the spouse, the parent, the grown child. Many people think that caregiving comes naturally to women - I disagree. I'm not sure there's a "caregiving gene" any more than there is a "mothering gene." Molly's husband could not understand why Molly needed nursing care, when she had eight sisters who should be taking care of her. Molly had always taken care of them when babies were born, or someone got sick or had an operation. "Molly is the first one there when someone needs help. They don't even have to ask."

The case manager told me this was going to be a difficult case, that the husband was overbearing and didn't treat Molly like she had six weeks to live. Thank goodness for his attitude. Molly was the family caregiver - she had that role since childhood, like many of you. Molly's sisters lived in other states, all had jobs and families and they called Molly every day. Usually I talked with them (which was very time-consuming.) Molly's husband could no longer deal with the daily updates so it got added to my job description. If you find yourself in this position, here are some things you can do:

Use the answering machine greeting tape to record a daily message for friends and family, then let the machine answer the phone. Even if you don't want to do this on a daily basis, it's a good thing to keep in mind for those days that you don't want to talk. There's nothing wrong with you on those days, it's just your body trying to cope.

Ask your friends and family to set up telephone relays so that you tell one friend and one family member what's happening and they call other people.

If you have a personal website, post a daily update there & give the web address to everyone. You could also post a "needs" list here - example: need ride to radiation on Tuesday July 2 - appointment is at 2:30; could someone mow the lawn; anyone have some time to come play Scrabble Thursday night at 6:00. If your website has a guest book - people can respond by posting a message there - just make sure you check the site. People could also send you an email response. An email relay would work as well as a phone relay too (as long as email is available to everyone that needs to be contacted).

Somehow we find the strength to do what we have to do even if it's a role we didn't choose. Don't try to do everything alone. Nourish yourself by asking for and graciously accepting help.

Linda J. Austin writes from experience as a nursing assistance and a family caregiver. "When I was assigned my first hospice case, I found my place in life." Retired from several careers, Linda is studying creative art therapy.