Welcome Guest
Join here
Members Log-In
Privacy Policy

Friday July 30,2010

Understanding the Fears of the Terminally Ill

by Linda J. Austin

We are all afraid; fear does that to us. The degree of our fear depends on whether we are lying in the bed or standing beside it. How we've coped with fears in the past, our personality, sex, age, religion, life philosophy, upbringing, mental health, life experience, finances, communication, and access to care will influence our responses to fear. This is true for the family caregiver and the patient. The one characteristic that belongs just to the patient is the will to live. This does not mean that if the patient is willing that life will go on and on. In the early stages of diagnosis and treatment it does have a great effect on coping skills.

When dealing with these fears, remember your three C's - didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. You don't have to fix it either. Be a good listener. Reassure without giving false hope or turning away from reality.

Fear of the Unknown -What's going to happen to me today? tomorrow? when I die? Will I be able to go to work? How long can I continue to be a loving responsive mate, daughter, mother, father? How long can I maintain my position in society?

Fear of loneliness - We are social beings. We want to touch and be touched. We want to give as well as receive. We want to fulfill our responsibilities. We want people with us even when no one speaks. We want the light of humanity to shine through the eyes of those who love us. We don't want to be alone. We don't necessarily want a party either (well maybe one), but we can guide you through our needs.

Fear of loss of family and friends - What if there is nothing after death? I'll never see you again. My husband believes that once you die - that's the end. I disagree. I've seen patients smiling, reaching out to dead loved ones who are waiting for them. My mother talked to my brother and my father. I'm not going to change my husband's mind. I don't try. Sometimes though, he asks me questions.

Fear of loss of self-control - We pride ourselves on being independent, taking care of ourselves as well as others. Having control of our bodies is part of this independence. Through the course of a disease a person becomes more dependant and many times more anxious - angry and lashing out at those who can do the physical tasks they cannot. Transitions are seldom easy and anger (for a short period of time) is healthy. If you cannot cope with the anger, make the patient safe and leave the room. (Remember that the caregiver and patient are not always going to occupy the same emotional space.) Think of something the person did for you and mention it at the appropriate time, maybe - "You've always cooked for me, now it's my turn." You could even ask the patient's advice.