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Friday September 10,2010

How Much Can You Tolerate?

by Linda J. Austin

Since October, there's been pain in my right breast, close to the bone. There's swelling under the arm. I can't feel any lumps; neither can my primary care physician nor the specialist. The mammogram showed dense breasts, no interval change. A sonogram revealed what I call "black holes". The biopsy - benign.

This is great news, but. The pain is not benign. It refuses to be quiet, shouts just as I'm falling asleep, breaks my concentration. More tests are scheduled. I think about the what ifs. I'm a planner. I'm also a Libra and balance - looking at all sides of everything - is how I cope. This is not the first time I've been in "limbo" - this is the third biopsy over a ten-year span.

When the testing process began this time, a friend asked, "Linda, how much do you think you can tolerate?"

What a great question. It goes well with my thoughts - I live in this body. I know this body better than anyone. Gwen didn't exclaim, "Oh, what will I do without you!" She kept the focus on me. She opened a discussion that few friends and loved ones are willing to have.

This is a discussion we all should have (with ourselves - if no one else is willing to listen). I believe the patient gets to lead and that everyone comes to their own understanding, in their own time...and this understanding is flexible - it changes. For instance, I could die today. I could die right now, right this minute - and that's okay with me. I'm content with my life. I don't feel compelled to arrange the rest of my children's lives, or anyone else's. Life will go on even if mine stops.

Some people would rush in to save me from my emotional self, running over me with their steamroller of what's in my best interest. "Don't worry about it." "Think positive." "Don't borrow trouble." "You can't give up." "Do you want to die?"